I just finished re-watching Vivre sa Vie (dir. Godard 1962), and am in the process of reading Godard on Godard. I must say that I am in awe with the man's unselfconscious and brave path he has carved through cinema. I would say that it came natural to him, that he did what he wanted to without much regret or fear. I can't say that I am in his position currently. I am neurotic. I am afraid. I am confused.
I think back on how I've come to where I am right now in my "career" as a moviemaker. I look back over the movies I've created and I can't help but pine for The Vincent Project. It has been the only honest movie I've ever made so far (not that I've made that many). I don't know how Ryan and I gained such untimely confidence with cinema when we had only made one two movies before that. We did exactly what we wanted in that video: We had the audacity to follow a good friend around with a camera more or less against his wishes. We destroyed cinematic rules we jut barely had any grasp on. We silently understood that which we knew nothing of. I would have a long argument later with Ryan that through living only a few brief moments of life you silently understand everything about this world. If that has any truth then I must think that The Vincent Project was my first few moments of cinematic life.
After that brief, wonderful moment, I especially became intensely interested in everything my movies lacked, technical skill, continuity, and narrative ability (everything Hollywood). Every movie I have created since then has been neurotically aware of it's own short comings and because of that has failed to speak honestly.
However, I can't decide if that has been bad or not. I am beginning to think that this path is a necessary one. I think it is impossible for one to love something without question, and I know now that once I began questioning cinema, once I became conscious of my choices, I began a long and painful journey, but the journey is beautiful and meaningful. Holding my work up to a Hollywood standard has no misguided as much as I realize now that it has been my guide. It is my home, and it has given me my bearings. I would be lost without it, and had I inadvertently stumbled upon a treasure while groping in the darkness without a compass, I'd have no where to take that treasure back to, no home.
I think I'm beginning to really understand.
Hey man I am really liking the new header you put up on this blog. Really cool! Good work.
Posted by: Jonathan Connolly | April 20, 2008 at 01:21 AM